Thursday, July 12, 2007

WHY WHY WHY?!!!

Abel Xavier - This is why Soccer will never be a hit in this country. How does his parent feel seeing their boy look like this? As a father if my son ever looked like this please come visit me on Sundays and bring me cigarettes, candy, and Jet Magazines. Greg Oden - Somebody please get this man a stylist. This man looks like a maitre d in an upscale Gargoyle Establishment. Greg you just earned a spot to my prayer list.
Jerry Rice - Crown Royal bags are a ghetto legacy from the 70's. You are the greatest football player EVER, please stop trying so hard to stay relevant. This is embarrassing, Jerry. IF this happens again I may have to catch an assault charge.
Lebron James - This was a skit... It's My Lebrogative!!!!... still unacceptable. Bobby Brown should get Whitney to whoop yo ass.

After that mess, I need a drink.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Come on Mike


My first thought when I saw this picture is that I misspelled the first word in the title. Below you will find the rest, in no particular order:
  1. Calm down little buddy!
  2. "Denyce, I'm coming for you baby. My stroke is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat your children. Praise be to Allah!"
  3. Denyce: Is that a tattoo on his face? Mike: Herrrrrre Titty Titty Titty!
  4. "You're sweet. I'm going to make sure you kiss me good with those big lips. I'm gonna make you my girlfriend." (Originally said to Razor Ruddock) LMAO
  5. If I can connect with an uppercut I could push my bone to her brain.
  6. "I normally work with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you want to, you know."
  7. Why does he keep calling me Robin?
  8. I was a little concerned when he licked my hand but the crotch juggling is just unacceptable.
  9. Please F*ck me and make you love me!!!
  10. If I wasn't on Zoloft she would be broken and pregnant.
Big Shout to Dane and AW for this one.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Proper Burial

So yesterday the NAACP buried the N-word. This would probably an opportunity for me to profess my opinion on the matter but that is not my style. Of course I think the N-word should be eradicated, after all it is generally misused, it is used by blacks as somewhat of a term of endearment, "That's my N-Word" (I plead guilty); It is used by others as a racial slur; it is used by suburban whites as a term of endearment for their white friends when no one black is around. Nevertheless it is a word that is a symbol of hate, oppression, and its death is long overdue.
With that in mind there are a few people who antics should join the N-Word in that grave. I would never call for another human being's death, perhaps their maiming, or dismemberment but never death, that is just wrong.
  • Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. Can we get some new black protesters please, I mean let He without sin cast the first stone I mean dag these brothers are tired, old and quite honestly I am tired of them. Al Sharpton just makes me shake my head, he says whatever is on his mind factually sound or not. Man at least you could bring back the sweatsuits so that blacks AND whites can laugh at you. You are far too entertaining to them. Jesse went to the Middle East and brought the pain a few years back, getting those hostages released, since then he has moved nothing but up a few suit sizes. I mean really we laugh at Bill Cosby's rants but these two "reverends" are just noisemakers and I really think they are more into their own press than the improvement of our community or the issues in dispute. It is time to get some folks out there that really care. Not me though I got shit to do.
  • Troubled black athletes. Pacman, the Vick boys, the Cincinnati Bengals, Tank Johnson all of them, you overpaid children need to wake up. You have the world at your doorstep chill out, get rid of the drugs, dog fights, guns, strip clubs. Do what white people do, go hunting, you can drink, shoot, and cheat on your wives all in one weekend and have the NRA protect you. They need a token black spokesperson, anyway. Especially since OJ prefers knives. I wonder if you can apply or do you need to shoot a close friend first. (Big shout to our vice president my favorite government DICK)
  • Reality shows on VH1. I mean really do we really need anymore examples of how ignorant some people are, black, white, or monkey I would rather watch Roseanne strip tease while cooking bacon than see Monique teaching someone "class." Are you kidding me? Monique how about you shave them sides of beef before you call legs, and how about you pull the reigns back on that makeup, who is your stylist Earl Scheib, Maaco. Make up to you is like putting perfume on a pig. I am so embarrassed by her, she is more hurtful to Baltimore than The Wire, Martin O'Malley and the School System combined. And if they reelect Sheila Dixon, Jesus may have to run in 2012.
  • Dudes in Capri pants. Do I really need to say this? If you want pants where pants, if you want shorts wear shorts. Now maybe I am getting old but when I was growing up ladies wore Capri's well ladies and those dudes that grew up faster than their parents could buy clothes used to get beat up. Capri pants and Timberland's you have got to be kidding me.
  • Rappers with "Lil" in their names. Just stop it. Is that really cooler than just Wayne, I mean hell it worked for Madonna and she got enough money to buy Negroes. I can't wait to have enough money to skip over all of the American children in need and go to a 3rd world country and get me a nice handmade rug. I aint bringing no foreign child over here. There are Millions here that I can ignore. Which reminds me. . .
  • Celebrities adopting foreign children. There are Millions of American orphans, how about you pick a few of them up Brangelina. Sure your world spanning community service is admirable but how about you help out your community on this hemisphere.
  • If you can think of any more hit up my comments, this is like therapy to me.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Time For An Intervention



When I first saw this picture I was like Oprah done phucked around and went to clown college and lost 100 more pounds. Then my ipod switched to Fugee La La La and I said Holy Jesus Holy Jesus! That is Lauryn Hill!! She looks like Flava Flav and Ronald McDonald's daughter. Oh my gracious somebody PLEASE pull this hooka up and tell her this is her brain on drugs. What a waste. I aint been this upset since "That's My Mama" went off.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Punctuation


Should that be a period instead of a question mark? Just wondering.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

That's it I have had Enough



It is time paparazzi stops taking pictures of washed up stars. What was the last thing that this minority hobbit bastard was in. Celebrity fat club? Ugly Arnold? Who wants to date a washed up Thousandaire? I mean jeez I loved different strokes but when was that hot last 1982?


Look at that hat. When did Baby Gap start carrying Cowboy hats. And you can't tell me those khakis are not from Gymboree. This dude looks like Paddington Bear on Methadone.


In other swelling celebrity news look who got a divorce yesterday and now has his own snowflake.


Sing it Carlton. "It's not unusual to be find a skank in Hollywood. It's not unusual to get the clap in Hollywoooooood."
Ok I feel better now.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Things That Make Me Laugh

If you have followed this blog at all you know that I have an interesting perspective on life. Generally my rule is this if you can't laugh at it Phuck it. Let me explain, my Gas and Electric bill is going up 50%. Primarily because everyone my State's general assembly took one Economics class in college or continuing education and they forgot to consider the true repercussions of deregulation of a utility if there is only one player in the market. I personally find that comical. Yes I am pissed that I will have to pay out more to use less energy. And that if I lived alone I would just not use air and be in a tang top and boxers all summer. There's a bit of comedy in that as well. My wife without air condition would be homicidal, she does not do hot. I have heard her pray for a breeze on a hot summer's day and fearing an increase in the murder rate God always delivers a gust of wind just before the fuse is lit. God is good and his mercy is everlasting! LMAO!!!

Stuff I laugh at:

People without children who say they want twins. In this situation I generally say to them you don't get up before 2 am unless you fell down in the club at last call. Get the hell out of my face with that crap. No one wants twins, especially those of us that have them already. You do not sleep, you do not speak to anyone but yourself and Jesus, you rarely bathe because of fear of a slip and fall, and the operation of heavy machinery, automobiles, and wielding an egg beater becomes a societal hazard.

I laugh at people who refuse to be what they are, for instance, I work with a bunch of engineers, nerds generally, unpopular in high school, married the first woman that stood still long enough for them to lose their virginity, generally insecure and completely annoying. But because they have money now they want us to think they are and have always been cool. Chill out Sparky, you are only 5 years removed from wedgies, being in a locker, and making love to the Sear lingerie section. You know who you are. I will knock you the phuck out!

I find it comical how people continually show their ignorance. Take a look at this. http://urbanknowledge.blogspot.com/search/label/prejudice Now what I find funny in this blog despite the obvious insensitivity, ignorance, and trashiness of these mother-less sons of bitches is that they they reenact the past, as they see it. Git R Done, please move on people. But look at these fat ass middle age sandwich smuggling miracle whip on asprin eating people supposedly portraying slaves. Slaves did all the work! All of it built this country, please do your research. I guarantee none of them had as many necks and chins as these idiots. There are more chins in those picture than in a Bangkok whore house. Priceless.

I could go on for days. The latest thing I am laughing at are people who tell me/show me things and ask me if it is funny, generally if you have to ask it isn't. LMAO. Big shout to my brother Daneger! Peep his blog this is funny although I would never tell him that.