Tuesday, August 29, 2006

You Are Going to Hell!

"You are going to hell!" When did this become an everyday statement? Who is responsible? Now I have been told to go to Hell many times. Mostly by women in clubs or by their husbands. But as a self-proclaimed comedian I am told that because of the things I say and the things they 'think' I am going to say my "friends" tell me that I am destined for eternal damnation. Fire and brimstone because I am brave enought to say what they think but are too afraid to say. For instance I was painting my kitchen one spring and ordered a pizza from a neighbor parlor. (Are they called that anymore?) Since I was covered in paint I definitely wasn't getting in my car so I had it delivered. About 20 or so minutes later there was a ring at the door. I went to my door, looked out the peep hole and saw nothing. On my way back to the kitchen there was a ring and an inpatient knock. I am like what the hell is going on. So I yell I will be there shortly. Checking the peep hole again I saw nothing so I open the door with some serious macho gusto... causing a hole that I later patched and painted and I look out and saw nothing.... I did see a pink PT Cruiser at the end of my driveway but no one at the door until I looked down And lo (really low) and behold there was a midget, dwarf, little person, whatever the politically correct term is holding my pizza. That little bastard scared the shit out of me. I mean I am a 6 foot 240 pound former linebacker with a bad attitude. That little muhphucka under the pizza box turned me into Richard Simmons at Rikers. I clutched my damn pearls. Now I don't know about where you grew up but a midget, driving a Pink PT cruiser, delivering pizzas is considered a TERRORIST where I'm from!

Upon reflection I laugh my a$$ off but at the moment I jumped out of my damn skin. Now whenever I tell this story without fail someone will say, "You are going to hell for that." I am going to hell for telling the truth. Last I checked truth telling is not one of the top 10. Therefore I have compiled a new list for those of you like me who are want-to-be comedians. For you innovative, light-hearted, jocular people who bring joy to your fellow man. This is how you stay out of hell.

  1. Thou shalt not laugh at the handicap, blind, mildly retarded, old people, or children, etc.
  2. Thou shalt not call stupid people such words as Sped (short for special ed), Corky, Helmet boy, Window-Licker, or Short-bus rider.
  3. Thou shalt not tell a person that proclaims they lost 20 pounds that if they were to look behind them that they would find them.
  4. Thou shalt never tell an ugly woman that she needs try her BEST not be late for an appointment at the "beauty" salon. Associated comments like, "that is like putting perfume on a pig" and "Jesus must be her beautician" are prohibited as well.
  5. Thou shalt not laugh at a woman in church who shouts and throws off her wig. Even if she has a nappy stocking cap on under it.
  6. Thou shalt never coin terms such as capdeehanded.
  7. Thou shalt never refer to a woman no matter how fine she is despite a house full of children as a MILF.
  8. Thou shalt never tell a child you could have been their daddy but yo momma aint have call waiting.
  9. Thou shalt never tell any child their daddy should have flushed them or their momma should have swallowed. No matter how useless their little monkey-asses are.
  10. Last but not least to ensure a residence in the land of milk and honey never under any circumstance ask your next door neighbor does he actually have to have sex with his fat, nasty, nosey, sandwich smugglin, gravy drinking, dog kissing on the mouth, ignorant wife.

After reading this list I am going to confessional, OH SH!T I'm baptist!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Am I going to hell for wanting to see the Croccodile Hunter's last moment on you tube? You know somebody's got to have that!