Tuesday, August 29, 2006

You Are Going to Hell!

"You are going to hell!" When did this become an everyday statement? Who is responsible? Now I have been told to go to Hell many times. Mostly by women in clubs or by their husbands. But as a self-proclaimed comedian I am told that because of the things I say and the things they 'think' I am going to say my "friends" tell me that I am destined for eternal damnation. Fire and brimstone because I am brave enought to say what they think but are too afraid to say. For instance I was painting my kitchen one spring and ordered a pizza from a neighbor parlor. (Are they called that anymore?) Since I was covered in paint I definitely wasn't getting in my car so I had it delivered. About 20 or so minutes later there was a ring at the door. I went to my door, looked out the peep hole and saw nothing. On my way back to the kitchen there was a ring and an inpatient knock. I am like what the hell is going on. So I yell I will be there shortly. Checking the peep hole again I saw nothing so I open the door with some serious macho gusto... causing a hole that I later patched and painted and I look out and saw nothing.... I did see a pink PT Cruiser at the end of my driveway but no one at the door until I looked down And lo (really low) and behold there was a midget, dwarf, little person, whatever the politically correct term is holding my pizza. That little bastard scared the shit out of me. I mean I am a 6 foot 240 pound former linebacker with a bad attitude. That little muhphucka under the pizza box turned me into Richard Simmons at Rikers. I clutched my damn pearls. Now I don't know about where you grew up but a midget, driving a Pink PT cruiser, delivering pizzas is considered a TERRORIST where I'm from!

Upon reflection I laugh my a$$ off but at the moment I jumped out of my damn skin. Now whenever I tell this story without fail someone will say, "You are going to hell for that." I am going to hell for telling the truth. Last I checked truth telling is not one of the top 10. Therefore I have compiled a new list for those of you like me who are want-to-be comedians. For you innovative, light-hearted, jocular people who bring joy to your fellow man. This is how you stay out of hell.

  1. Thou shalt not laugh at the handicap, blind, mildly retarded, old people, or children, etc.
  2. Thou shalt not call stupid people such words as Sped (short for special ed), Corky, Helmet boy, Window-Licker, or Short-bus rider.
  3. Thou shalt not tell a person that proclaims they lost 20 pounds that if they were to look behind them that they would find them.
  4. Thou shalt never tell an ugly woman that she needs try her BEST not be late for an appointment at the "beauty" salon. Associated comments like, "that is like putting perfume on a pig" and "Jesus must be her beautician" are prohibited as well.
  5. Thou shalt not laugh at a woman in church who shouts and throws off her wig. Even if she has a nappy stocking cap on under it.
  6. Thou shalt never coin terms such as capdeehanded.
  7. Thou shalt never refer to a woman no matter how fine she is despite a house full of children as a MILF.
  8. Thou shalt never tell a child you could have been their daddy but yo momma aint have call waiting.
  9. Thou shalt never tell any child their daddy should have flushed them or their momma should have swallowed. No matter how useless their little monkey-asses are.
  10. Last but not least to ensure a residence in the land of milk and honey never under any circumstance ask your next door neighbor does he actually have to have sex with his fat, nasty, nosey, sandwich smugglin, gravy drinking, dog kissing on the mouth, ignorant wife.

After reading this list I am going to confessional, OH SH!T I'm baptist!

Friday, August 25, 2006

Reality my A$$

Let me just first say that I really do not like reality TV. Who is responsible? Why is it so popular? Why are there so damn many? Cops, now that was a good one and I have read that it is credited as maybe the first. But come on Survivor has a huge following now. Please tell me why? Is it entertaining to see people starving running around doing mindless activities for the goal of monetary compensation and an interview on the CBS The Early Show. And then there is Fear Factor, eat a cow penis, buried in cat semen, with a feline in heat velcroed (is that a word) to your genitalia, all for $50,000. I will pass.
Of course there is the Bachelor, the Bachelorette, oh and Average Joe; fart, Quife, Shart. I would rather be placed in a large burlap sack with a monkey, a dog, a cobra, and my fourth grade teacher Mrs. Wilbourne and dropped into the ocean before I wasted brain cells watching that crap. Where do they get the funding to buy the film to record this mindless dribble. We obviously have too much money. Maybe I am only person that thinks TV should be entertainment. I see reality everyday as scary as reality is it aint as scary as the Flava of Love. (One Love Hoopz)

The women on here act like Flava is attractive. On the strength of hip-hop history, I got mad love for FF but there is no female mammalian creature that thinks this dude is good looking. Hell he so ugly even if he was nicer than Jolly old St. Nick we should not have to look at him. Roaches look at him and be like daddy. He makes Cheryl Underwood look like Sanaa Lathan. I mean really dude looks like an imp from hell. Milk does a body good, crack ..... MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE HIM. Just say no America.

Honestly, I look at reality TV as the first steps in the end of intelligent TV. Reality TV just show us the worst of our society, our greed, lust, and our ignorance. I guess only other alternative is another Law and Order.

My final thought is Reality TV does nothing for Americans but confirm to the rest of the world how fat, dumb, horny, money-hungry we are, God Bless the USA!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Who is responsible?

This blog will be where I voice my opinions on everything. The title "Who is responsible?" is a phrase that was developed in my circle in college whenever we witnessed something so ridiculous that we had to know who was the responsible party for the incident that we had the misfortune of witnessing.

Herein I will discuss everything from music, movies, sports, celebrities, my life, current events, and anything that is on my mind at the time. I welcome others to view comment and even suggest topics for me to cover. This is a clean slate for my cluttered minds.