Monday, December 18, 2006

And the Winners are . . .

The Sports WIR - There are so many people to choose from in this matter. So many overpaid mentally dysfunctional crybabies. I am a sports fanatic, I love all sports, I love to compete, one thing I cannot stand is poor sportsmanship. Isiah Thomas comes to mind with the recent events and his arguable involvement in the latest sports melee. But this award goes to a special personality that we all know and either love or loathe. The one and only Terrell Owens. Perhaps the biggest professional cry baby since Isiah Thomas and his time in Detroit. TO's latest, spitting in DeAngelo Hall's face. I respect TO's game despite his tendency to drop passes (leading the league with 19 dropped passes) he is a game changer. He is also a cancer to a team. But to spit in a mans face you should not be fined, you should not be suspended, you should have you behind whooped. My hat is off to D-Hall for not retaliating. As Shannon Sharpe said it would take an act of Congress to get me from beating you next to death for spitting on me. TO you are a tremendous athelete but you really need some help. Who is responsible for this clown?

The Music WIR goes to . . . Paris Hilton it is almost an insult to give this music award to her because anyone that calls this music needs some serious medical attention. You be the judge. The bottom line is she cannot sing. She is however a Billionairess and we all know that money makes the world go 'round. So until she begins to fund my habits of sports cars, large televisions, and sports tickets. She is the non-singingest, online BJ filming, air head, but Paris (Ms. Hilton) if you are reading this and would like to adopt a Black Dude, I love you, you are such a humanitarian and you are the fiber by which the human race is held together. (I deserve a WIR for that line.)

The Hollywood WIR goes to . . . And this pains me because I am a true fan, Mel Gibson for his Anti-Semetic tirade after being pulled over for driving erratically. In his tirade he told the officer that he owned Malibu and would use all of his money to get his revenge. He also told the officer that he was going to F*** him. WHOA! And then blamed Jews for all of the wars of the world. Looks like he thought he was filming Lethal Weapon 5, Riggs goes Nazi. (Please send all letters to It always amazes me that people who claim to be devout Christians have a very hard time adhering to some of its most simple doctrines. One of my favorites is 'Be ye angry and sin not.' Maybe the church he built in Malibu has not gotten to that line in the Bible yet. But what can we expect from a man that says his wife is going to hell for not sharing all of his religious beliefs. You are a winner Mel. I like you better when you played a drunk suicidal cop. Keep that in the movies Mel. For this act you have earn the Nick Nolte Life Time achievement award. For being an old, drunk, rich and assanine. Congratulations!
The Reality WIR goes to . . . Anybody with a car that has more than 3 bumper stickers. Get a life you degenerate. How dare you deface something as beautiful as an automobile I don't care if you love your dog, Spade your kids or Wonder what Jesus would do. He probably would remove the bumper stickers so he could see where he was going. Cars are meant to be driven or to conceive children not a vehicle for you opinion. We on the outside of your don't care we just want you to get the hell out of our way so that we can go and beat up your honors student Again . . . and Again . . . And Again. Sidebar I have only seen a few bumper stickers worth buy (still never to be placed on a car) They are, "This car is guarded by a pit bull with AIDS" and "Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an Asshole."

To all of my readers (all 4 of you) have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. If you do not celebrate Christmas enjoy your holidays and I still except your presents. Be safe and celebrate them with family. God Bless you all.

The first Annual WIR awards

The 2006 WIR awards are awarded annually to the people of the world that make me wish that birth control were retroactive. The award comes in various varieties there is the Sports WIR, the Music WIR, the Hollywood WIR, and last but not least the Reality WIR. The awards go to the dumbest, most embarrassing, assanine person in their respective genre and the reality WIR goes to an everyday Joe. Seeing as this is my first time publishing this award I think I will reflect on some past award recipients that would have recieved this award if it existed anywhere other than my warped and twisted mind.

Past Recipients of the the Sports award Kobe Bryant the best scorer in the NBA and perieniel all-star he would have won the award in 2003 not for his night with Kate Faber. Not even for the ring he bought Vanessa afterward. He would have won for the tattoo his right shoulder and bicep. What a waste of a lethal shooting arm.

The Crown with Butterflies on it directly below his wife's name and is that a halo with her flowing locks and then... Kobe what the f*ck?! (I hate to break it to you but any chick in a silver bikini in an Tha Eastsidaz video does not get a halo without a holy water douche. I don't care how good your hubby's game is.)

Looking at this tattoo I now understand why there are some drugs that the NBA players association will not allow to be banned. If he was sober when he got that done I will get that same tattoo tomorrow. I figured it out Vanessa gave him a choice, get this tattoo, or I am going to castrate you and take all of your dough. . . Damn that was a tough choice!!!

Past Music winners and there are way too many to list including all members of Dipset (Dickset), of course Bobby and Whitney crack is whack, Lionel Richie for getting has ass whooped by his wife, Michael, Latoya, Tito their whole damned family except for Rebe. The 2005 winner would have been Brittany Spears, for well just being an overrall dumb ass and an irresponsible mother. Riding with your baby not in a car seat is absolutely unacceptable. We have all done stupid stuff as new parents but you are rich enough to put that kid in a bubble it is bad enough you are propogating the K-Feds genes the least you can do is give them a fighting chance to be normal everyday-millionaire-rednecks. Good luck with the divorce.

Past Hollywood WIR winners, Nick Nolte, Nick Cannon, Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence, and last but certainly not least Mr. Soul Glo himself, Eriq La Salle, this bama turned down $250,000 per episode to persue his movie career. That was in 2002 the only movie that I know he was in was his riveting portrayal of 'Slick Will' in Biker Boyz. (SNORE) Since then he has had blockbuster roles on Without a Trace and I bet he was the bamma missing. Just like his damn career. I hope you invested well. What a moron! Me I would take that weekly check, being Dr. Benton could not have kept you from pulling off the bullsh*t you have been doing. Let your SOUL GLO and get that check next time brainiac. Let's check out Eriq at his best, being a complete a-hole!

Finally the Reality awards. My favorite. The everyday person that you want to see beat upside the head with a ball ping hammer. The first that comes to mind is a neighbor of my aunt in North Carolina, it was your usual early spring day in the emergency room when all of a sudden a man is rushed in with all his fingers cut up and/or mangled. The only digit not bleeding were each of his thumbs. Apparently Einstein was cutting his grass and he noticed the his hedges needed to be trimmed so he attempts to pick up the lawn mower and use the BLADE to level off the hedges... and here he lay bleeding and screaming. If this is not bad enough 90 minutes later another guy with the same symptoms is rushed to the same hospital. Coinkydink oh hell no, it was his other neighbor, he saw him cut the hedges with the mower and thought it was a good idea. Morale of the story most of the people you live near are stupid, and all of them watch you.

Come back tomorrow for the 2006 recipients.

Friday, October 13, 2006

God put this here for you and ME!

Now I don't smoke weed . . . anymore, but I have smoked my share. Prior to being a grown up, you know holding down a career, and developing an intense fear of jail, well jail is cool except the fact that there are other men there and that there are dudes in there that would see no difference between me and Beyonce'. If I went to a jail and there was a bunch of sexually frustrated women there I would be more than willing to do my time and anybody else's. Send me to this jail!

But seriously, what I want to know is why marijauna is illegal, who is responsible? Man do you know how much better life would be if you took a few drags of weed when stressed? I wouldn't even need any vacation time. A doobie just before lunch, a 3 hour lunch and a nap. I would work for that company forever. I mean seriously what else can make you talk like this.

I mean think about all of the positive repurcussions. I was talking to a coworker and he said that people feel that weed is a gateway drug and some pull from the rectum statistic that leads to the use of other more dangerous drugs. I said motherfucker 100% of them drank milk as babies so is lactose a gateway drug too. You have got to love expert idiots. But to be fair I did some research to find out why weed is illegal. What I found was this very interesting tid bit. WOW! "makes darkies think they are as good as the white man." WOW!

So here are my reasons why weed, marijuana, hemp, boat, tijuana tea leaves, latino lettuce, the happy plant, 4:20, etc.
First and foremost God made weed man made beer who do you trust?
We could erradicate cataracts.
Happier people in general, less stress, because you know we has an ingredient called fukit. From the latin fukkoff. Because when you high if you can't eat it f*ck it. translation, no stress.
There would be no need for a speed limit if weed were legal because the heads would be getting passed by the elderly on their Rascals Scooters. "Go head by, man"
I just bought stock in Nabisco. I bet I ate a Keebler elf in college.
Buttered Toast is almost orgasmic when you got the munchies.
Weed is the one thing that has ever made me speachless. We all could use a nice tall glass of shut the f*ck up every once in a while.
Cereal is the best thing on the Wooooooooooooooorld when you got the munchies.
Weed saved my life, I wanted to kill this dude, I smoked out before i went to find him and forgot who I wanted to kill and why I was mad.
Homemade Macaroni and cheese will give anybody a dry orgasm when after smoking weed.
Fox news seems impartial when high, wait God couldn't make fox news impartial.
Supermarkets become the promised land when you have the munchies.
You aint never stole a thing when blidded, except for maybe, a handful of cookies, tastycakes, a branch of grapes, a medium sized ham from your neighbors smoker. All victimless crimes.

I say make it legal tax it and lets make the world a better place!

Monday, September 11, 2006

I personally blame his father

Watch this clip I will comment later. It is a local news "personality" in Sarasota, Florida. I know Jeb really likes getting the 5 day forecast from this dude.

Who is responsible for this weather"man"? Let me just say this being gay is one thing, to each their own, but being a f*cking sissy-punk is another. Justin Mosey of you should be ashamed of yourself. My 12 year old sister is tougher than you. I mean damn it is a bug not Anthrax. The only thing that would scare me like that is an ugly woman in my bed, that satisfying feeling, and no sign of a condom. Lets break this shemale down. First is that a process. He look like an anorexic James Brown impersonator. And look at his suit. I am guessing the network stopped him wearing his skirt and tinkerbell wings. Damn it nobody even told me that Little richard was pregnant. If that was my son I would whoop his a$$ everyday until he stopped being a sissy. To his parents shame on you. To him I say, "man up BITCH!" And for those of you that think this is genetic I say it is STILL his parents fault.

I feel better now.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Justifiable Assholism - The Chicken Noodle Soup Dance

It has come to my attention that there is a new dance craze coming along called the Chicken Noodle soup. Who is responsible for the latest shucking and jiving out of Harlem. This might be the first whack thing out of Harlem not having anything to do with Cam'Ron. If you are not familiar with the dance take a look at this.

Now that I am getting older I have begun to analyze things with a different eye than I once did. I used to look at girls wearing nothing that were high school age and think she is going to be fine as hell when she turns 25. Now I look shake my head and say, "I really need to do a good job raising my daughter."

The CNS dance is the latest thing that has me thinking that my state of mind is catching up with my age. A few years ago I would have learned this dance, mastered it, put my own spin on it and pulled it out on bamas. But when I look at this I think probably what my Mom thought when I was break dancing, boogie poppin, and lockin. "These children have lost their rabid minds." Something else came to mind watching the chicken noodle soup videos on youtube. Minstrel Shows, shucking and jiving, the term cooning comes to mind. Take a look at this.

I just think that at some point we need to ask ourselves as black people when do we start to think about the things we do. Dancing is one thing as a celebration, exercise, religious expression or just plain fun. When does flailing around become more of a sideshow. When do we have to ask ourselves are they laughing at us or with us? When do we start to wonder what the ramifications of our learning a new dance instead learning another language? When do we ask ourselves what are we portraying when we publish things like the chicken noodle soup dance? Are we feeding into stereotypes? I am just asking because I am by no means saying I carry myself in the best way. I am not judging. I am raising some question for the purpose of discussion. Perhaps black people particularly the youth need to wake up and realize that dancing and singing are not the key to our long term SURVIVAL. The key is self-sufficiency, land and business ownership, self-employment and empowerment, involvement in the community. We do not have time for all of us to make it, be discovered and then make a difference. We need to make a difference now, not after we are popular.

But back to the dance this is really looks like someone is having a fit. Don't even get me started on the lyrics of the song. But as asinine as this is it will be on a TV screen near you very soon. White folks will get rich off of it and laugh at us while doing it.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

You Are Going to Hell!

"You are going to hell!" When did this become an everyday statement? Who is responsible? Now I have been told to go to Hell many times. Mostly by women in clubs or by their husbands. But as a self-proclaimed comedian I am told that because of the things I say and the things they 'think' I am going to say my "friends" tell me that I am destined for eternal damnation. Fire and brimstone because I am brave enought to say what they think but are too afraid to say. For instance I was painting my kitchen one spring and ordered a pizza from a neighbor parlor. (Are they called that anymore?) Since I was covered in paint I definitely wasn't getting in my car so I had it delivered. About 20 or so minutes later there was a ring at the door. I went to my door, looked out the peep hole and saw nothing. On my way back to the kitchen there was a ring and an inpatient knock. I am like what the hell is going on. So I yell I will be there shortly. Checking the peep hole again I saw nothing so I open the door with some serious macho gusto... causing a hole that I later patched and painted and I look out and saw nothing.... I did see a pink PT Cruiser at the end of my driveway but no one at the door until I looked down And lo (really low) and behold there was a midget, dwarf, little person, whatever the politically correct term is holding my pizza. That little bastard scared the shit out of me. I mean I am a 6 foot 240 pound former linebacker with a bad attitude. That little muhphucka under the pizza box turned me into Richard Simmons at Rikers. I clutched my damn pearls. Now I don't know about where you grew up but a midget, driving a Pink PT cruiser, delivering pizzas is considered a TERRORIST where I'm from!

Upon reflection I laugh my a$$ off but at the moment I jumped out of my damn skin. Now whenever I tell this story without fail someone will say, "You are going to hell for that." I am going to hell for telling the truth. Last I checked truth telling is not one of the top 10. Therefore I have compiled a new list for those of you like me who are want-to-be comedians. For you innovative, light-hearted, jocular people who bring joy to your fellow man. This is how you stay out of hell.

  1. Thou shalt not laugh at the handicap, blind, mildly retarded, old people, or children, etc.
  2. Thou shalt not call stupid people such words as Sped (short for special ed), Corky, Helmet boy, Window-Licker, or Short-bus rider.
  3. Thou shalt not tell a person that proclaims they lost 20 pounds that if they were to look behind them that they would find them.
  4. Thou shalt never tell an ugly woman that she needs try her BEST not be late for an appointment at the "beauty" salon. Associated comments like, "that is like putting perfume on a pig" and "Jesus must be her beautician" are prohibited as well.
  5. Thou shalt not laugh at a woman in church who shouts and throws off her wig. Even if she has a nappy stocking cap on under it.
  6. Thou shalt never coin terms such as capdeehanded.
  7. Thou shalt never refer to a woman no matter how fine she is despite a house full of children as a MILF.
  8. Thou shalt never tell a child you could have been their daddy but yo momma aint have call waiting.
  9. Thou shalt never tell any child their daddy should have flushed them or their momma should have swallowed. No matter how useless their little monkey-asses are.
  10. Last but not least to ensure a residence in the land of milk and honey never under any circumstance ask your next door neighbor does he actually have to have sex with his fat, nasty, nosey, sandwich smugglin, gravy drinking, dog kissing on the mouth, ignorant wife.

After reading this list I am going to confessional, OH SH!T I'm baptist!

Friday, August 25, 2006

Reality my A$$

Let me just first say that I really do not like reality TV. Who is responsible? Why is it so popular? Why are there so damn many? Cops, now that was a good one and I have read that it is credited as maybe the first. But come on Survivor has a huge following now. Please tell me why? Is it entertaining to see people starving running around doing mindless activities for the goal of monetary compensation and an interview on the CBS The Early Show. And then there is Fear Factor, eat a cow penis, buried in cat semen, with a feline in heat velcroed (is that a word) to your genitalia, all for $50,000. I will pass.
Of course there is the Bachelor, the Bachelorette, oh and Average Joe; fart, Quife, Shart. I would rather be placed in a large burlap sack with a monkey, a dog, a cobra, and my fourth grade teacher Mrs. Wilbourne and dropped into the ocean before I wasted brain cells watching that crap. Where do they get the funding to buy the film to record this mindless dribble. We obviously have too much money. Maybe I am only person that thinks TV should be entertainment. I see reality everyday as scary as reality is it aint as scary as the Flava of Love. (One Love Hoopz)

The women on here act like Flava is attractive. On the strength of hip-hop history, I got mad love for FF but there is no female mammalian creature that thinks this dude is good looking. Hell he so ugly even if he was nicer than Jolly old St. Nick we should not have to look at him. Roaches look at him and be like daddy. He makes Cheryl Underwood look like Sanaa Lathan. I mean really dude looks like an imp from hell. Milk does a body good, crack ..... MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE HIM. Just say no America.

Honestly, I look at reality TV as the first steps in the end of intelligent TV. Reality TV just show us the worst of our society, our greed, lust, and our ignorance. I guess only other alternative is another Law and Order.

My final thought is Reality TV does nothing for Americans but confirm to the rest of the world how fat, dumb, horny, money-hungry we are, God Bless the USA!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Who is responsible?

This blog will be where I voice my opinions on everything. The title "Who is responsible?" is a phrase that was developed in my circle in college whenever we witnessed something so ridiculous that we had to know who was the responsible party for the incident that we had the misfortune of witnessing.

Herein I will discuss everything from music, movies, sports, celebrities, my life, current events, and anything that is on my mind at the time. I welcome others to view comment and even suggest topics for me to cover. This is a clean slate for my cluttered minds.