Monday, December 18, 2006

And the Winners are . . .

The Sports WIR - There are so many people to choose from in this matter. So many overpaid mentally dysfunctional crybabies. I am a sports fanatic, I love all sports, I love to compete, one thing I cannot stand is poor sportsmanship. Isiah Thomas comes to mind with the recent events and his arguable involvement in the latest sports melee. But this award goes to a special personality that we all know and either love or loathe. The one and only Terrell Owens. Perhaps the biggest professional cry baby since Isiah Thomas and his time in Detroit. TO's latest, spitting in DeAngelo Hall's face. I respect TO's game despite his tendency to drop passes (leading the league with 19 dropped passes) he is a game changer. He is also a cancer to a team. But to spit in a mans face you should not be fined, you should not be suspended, you should have you behind whooped. My hat is off to D-Hall for not retaliating. As Shannon Sharpe said it would take an act of Congress to get me from beating you next to death for spitting on me. TO you are a tremendous athelete but you really need some help. Who is responsible for this clown?

The Music WIR goes to . . . Paris Hilton it is almost an insult to give this music award to her because anyone that calls this music needs some serious medical attention. You be the judge. The bottom line is she cannot sing. She is however a Billionairess and we all know that money makes the world go 'round. So until she begins to fund my habits of sports cars, large televisions, and sports tickets. She is the non-singingest, online BJ filming, air head, but Paris (Ms. Hilton) if you are reading this and would like to adopt a Black Dude, I love you, you are such a humanitarian and you are the fiber by which the human race is held together. (I deserve a WIR for that line.)

The Hollywood WIR goes to . . . And this pains me because I am a true fan, Mel Gibson for his Anti-Semetic tirade after being pulled over for driving erratically. In his tirade he told the officer that he owned Malibu and would use all of his money to get his revenge. He also told the officer that he was going to F*** him. WHOA! And then blamed Jews for all of the wars of the world. Looks like he thought he was filming Lethal Weapon 5, Riggs goes Nazi. (Please send all letters to It always amazes me that people who claim to be devout Christians have a very hard time adhering to some of its most simple doctrines. One of my favorites is 'Be ye angry and sin not.' Maybe the church he built in Malibu has not gotten to that line in the Bible yet. But what can we expect from a man that says his wife is going to hell for not sharing all of his religious beliefs. You are a winner Mel. I like you better when you played a drunk suicidal cop. Keep that in the movies Mel. For this act you have earn the Nick Nolte Life Time achievement award. For being an old, drunk, rich and assanine. Congratulations!
The Reality WIR goes to . . . Anybody with a car that has more than 3 bumper stickers. Get a life you degenerate. How dare you deface something as beautiful as an automobile I don't care if you love your dog, Spade your kids or Wonder what Jesus would do. He probably would remove the bumper stickers so he could see where he was going. Cars are meant to be driven or to conceive children not a vehicle for you opinion. We on the outside of your don't care we just want you to get the hell out of our way so that we can go and beat up your honors student Again . . . and Again . . . And Again. Sidebar I have only seen a few bumper stickers worth buy (still never to be placed on a car) They are, "This car is guarded by a pit bull with AIDS" and "Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an Asshole."

To all of my readers (all 4 of you) have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. If you do not celebrate Christmas enjoy your holidays and I still except your presents. Be safe and celebrate them with family. God Bless you all.

The first Annual WIR awards

The 2006 WIR awards are awarded annually to the people of the world that make me wish that birth control were retroactive. The award comes in various varieties there is the Sports WIR, the Music WIR, the Hollywood WIR, and last but not least the Reality WIR. The awards go to the dumbest, most embarrassing, assanine person in their respective genre and the reality WIR goes to an everyday Joe. Seeing as this is my first time publishing this award I think I will reflect on some past award recipients that would have recieved this award if it existed anywhere other than my warped and twisted mind.

Past Recipients of the the Sports award Kobe Bryant the best scorer in the NBA and perieniel all-star he would have won the award in 2003 not for his night with Kate Faber. Not even for the ring he bought Vanessa afterward. He would have won for the tattoo his right shoulder and bicep. What a waste of a lethal shooting arm.

The Crown with Butterflies on it directly below his wife's name and is that a halo with her flowing locks and then... Kobe what the f*ck?! (I hate to break it to you but any chick in a silver bikini in an Tha Eastsidaz video does not get a halo without a holy water douche. I don't care how good your hubby's game is.)

Looking at this tattoo I now understand why there are some drugs that the NBA players association will not allow to be banned. If he was sober when he got that done I will get that same tattoo tomorrow. I figured it out Vanessa gave him a choice, get this tattoo, or I am going to castrate you and take all of your dough. . . Damn that was a tough choice!!!

Past Music winners and there are way too many to list including all members of Dipset (Dickset), of course Bobby and Whitney crack is whack, Lionel Richie for getting has ass whooped by his wife, Michael, Latoya, Tito their whole damned family except for Rebe. The 2005 winner would have been Brittany Spears, for well just being an overrall dumb ass and an irresponsible mother. Riding with your baby not in a car seat is absolutely unacceptable. We have all done stupid stuff as new parents but you are rich enough to put that kid in a bubble it is bad enough you are propogating the K-Feds genes the least you can do is give them a fighting chance to be normal everyday-millionaire-rednecks. Good luck with the divorce.

Past Hollywood WIR winners, Nick Nolte, Nick Cannon, Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence, and last but certainly not least Mr. Soul Glo himself, Eriq La Salle, this bama turned down $250,000 per episode to persue his movie career. That was in 2002 the only movie that I know he was in was his riveting portrayal of 'Slick Will' in Biker Boyz. (SNORE) Since then he has had blockbuster roles on Without a Trace and I bet he was the bamma missing. Just like his damn career. I hope you invested well. What a moron! Me I would take that weekly check, being Dr. Benton could not have kept you from pulling off the bullsh*t you have been doing. Let your SOUL GLO and get that check next time brainiac. Let's check out Eriq at his best, being a complete a-hole!

Finally the Reality awards. My favorite. The everyday person that you want to see beat upside the head with a ball ping hammer. The first that comes to mind is a neighbor of my aunt in North Carolina, it was your usual early spring day in the emergency room when all of a sudden a man is rushed in with all his fingers cut up and/or mangled. The only digit not bleeding were each of his thumbs. Apparently Einstein was cutting his grass and he noticed the his hedges needed to be trimmed so he attempts to pick up the lawn mower and use the BLADE to level off the hedges... and here he lay bleeding and screaming. If this is not bad enough 90 minutes later another guy with the same symptoms is rushed to the same hospital. Coinkydink oh hell no, it was his other neighbor, he saw him cut the hedges with the mower and thought it was a good idea. Morale of the story most of the people you live near are stupid, and all of them watch you.

Come back tomorrow for the 2006 recipients.