Monday, September 24, 2007

I Hate Weddings!!!

Okay, okay, I don't hate weddings, weddings are usually cool but a wedding on your birthday sucks ass. And a wedding on your birthday that is out of town BLOWS DOG. All jokes aside I like the couple so it was worth it and I really had no choice because it was my wife's good friend. Apparently, if a woman misses a wedding of her girlfriend she immediately gets terminal left breast cancer and since I am right-handed we HAD to go. All and all the wedding was fun. The problem was we were 45 miles from home and I could not get off my ass drunk because of some law against it or some shit. Anyway had a good time danced laughed sat at the table a few nice couples although weird.

The first a mixed couple were the man was a 6'2 horizontally and vertically, 438 pounds (that's right a fucking giant Fee fi fo fum and all that shit) and the woman was a whopping 4 foot 10. Of course she had all the balls and all of the whiskey and at some point she made reference to his tiny sushi and I had to excuse myself.

There was the other couple that were only dating 2 weeks, dude she is taking you to a wedding after 2 weeks, run for the nearest exit that chick is trying to have your baby, believe that. They were funny, the girl had the stronger personality of the two, the dude was laid back and kept going to the bar for me.... Unfortunately, forcing me to have to talk to his baby hungry date. This chick was hunting semen like homosexual pirate (Arrrrrrr!) I was really getting uncomfortable now. The bar was 10 feet away and that was too far.

Then there was the other couple across the table the dude look like a fake ass Chippendale with a neck tattoo. Sidebar: Nothing says loser more than a neck tattoo except for maybe a face tattoo. The woman I swear I saw on an the HBO Cathouse but if dude loves/married her so be it.
One thing you are guaranteed to see at a wedding, old people dancing, a lot of single dudes in cheap suits trying to snag something, also a lot of women in dresses that leave little to the imagination, trying to snag something. My wife commented that one of the guests was gonna give herself a black eye when one of her titties popped out. (Her words I swear.) It is just funny as I get older I watch single people and I go wow it sucks to be them. With Herpes, AIDS, and Ugly running rampant, it is a wonder anyone has sex let alone gets married. They should make a condom that sets anybody with an STD on fire whenever it touches them, that may never pass FDA approval. Man what I need now is a good funny funeral. If you aint been to one let me know I can make arrangements.

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